Having mental health issues is real. Some people choose to ignore mental health issues. They even choose to ignore the importance of medication.
First of all, I would like to share my personal experience with medication. Medication is a symbol of recovery. Since young, my understanding of taking medication means recovery. When I was diagnosed, I had a difficult time imagining myself taking lifetime medication. I have to redefine my understanding of medication. I was 29 years old at that time. Having to take medication makes life for me feel like a 50 years old person with a heart condition. I was young then and had to slow down and struggle with difficult emotions, depressed and impetuous. Medication can only allow 4 hours of relief and to feel a sense of normal.
After having the medication for a month, I suddenly suffered a sense of memory loss. I felt fearful. I grab my head and began to shiver. I began to panic and felt my life was over. I started crying and slowly tears took over my life. I began to become a person who kept crying. I lost the meaning and value of a young person’s life.
However, I continue to believe that “As long as I take my medication, I will recover”.
My journey taking medication is similar to a life journey. Imagine having a brain that cannot think of any ideas. This is very difficult for society to accept. I suffered verbal abuse, teased by others, constantly criticised and never understood. I often seek other people for acceptance and understanding, but I am always faced with disappointment.
I wished and hope that I will not need to continue medication and looked forward to such a day when I can be myself - My True Self, where I will have many friends accompanying me. Can this truly happen or will this hope get shattered?
One day, the wife of my pastor told me that a miracle will happen - “One day you will no longer need to take medication. Upon hearing these words, I did not believe them at first. However, not long after hearing that, as I was working one day, I felt “Awaken” suddenly like a flower opening up, releasing energy. I recalled her words - “I have recovered”. I believed joyfully that “Miracle has happened. God truly exist”.
Really?
No, my newly found happiness lasted only for 3 months. After which, I started babbling (talking nonsense) when I was in a recovery centre, I was reminded to resume taking my injection and medication. Fortunately, there is a professional who sincerely took note of me and “Rescued” me. Otherwise, I will have to reside in a psychiatric hospital. I believe God truly exist. He stretched His hands to pull me. I am scared that if I have a relapse I will lose more in life than I can ever handle.
I have been on this recovery journey for the last 12 years. This recovery journey has not been easy as I only got better by taking every small step through. Every 6 months, life seems to take on a good turn. However, my life never seems to get anywhere. The basic “Getting out of bed” is a struggle for me. The good feeling I get from it didn’t come till 6 months later. It sure was a struggle to achieve that. That good feeling light up a candle of Hope in my heart. I believe “Feeling” is very important to every person. “Feeling” is like the key which confirms. It allows me to see the window of “Hope” or the wall of “Rejection”.
As I continue to seek clarity on what lies ahead in this deep journey - What is the future will this “Hope” lead me to? I have dreams which I want to achieve. What will the end of this deep tunnel lead to? Can I achieve what I want? I do not have the answers, but what I do have is “Hope” to continue my life Journey.